turbulent and yet triumphant

June 25, 2008

My life has been a crazy mess for so long. Where do I even begin? Do I even begin? For the first time I don't feel the burning necessity to explain all the reasons of why I am sometimes less than perfect. Why I too am capable of faltering. What a revelation. Who are you? What do I owe you? Nothing. Kaitie. Nothing. I owe you nothing. I owe myself everything. Everything. Kaitie. Everything.

These past six years of my life have been such a roller coaster. How cliché. Actually in all truth it's been far from a roller coaster. Those have ups and downs and twists and turns. It has been more of a flat floating type of numb nothingness existence mixed with exuberant loads of self medication. My social lubricant, Tequila.

And so here is the raw truth…no excuses, no bull shit.

And emerges, my metal heart. A poor attempt at self preservation. My young mind unable to comprehend September 11th. All the ways that fatal day changed my life, and all the fears that emerged. All the funerals. I almost lost my father, again. The "what-if" road was long and traitorous. Frozen. Absent from life. Scared. Enter North Carolina. The polarity of the cultures is self explicable. My world was turned on its head. And with each day building the wall a bit higher. Trusting a little bit less.

Sarcoma cancer. Two years of sleepless nights at Duke Hospital, every weekend throughout college. Re-adjusting bandages. Chemo treatments. Shave Mothers head. Wig shopping. Set up hospital bed in living room. Frozen. Worst fear manifests into reality. Sign the papers. Call the crematory. Organize a funeral. Put together a eulogy. Thrown back into everyday life at nineteen and somehow try to make sense of it. Frozen. Enter Tequila.

Sleep all day, drink all night. Twenty pounds worth of fast food and beer. Withdrawal from school. Build a cave and set up camp. Feel sorry for yourself. Feel really sorry for yourself. Date a lot of boys, break a lot of hearts. End it before they get close. Completely stop world from revolving for two years. Drink some more just to make sure reality escapes you.

Enter new boy. Keep boy away with ten foot poll, despite overwhelming evidence. Create villainous character for boy in order to remain unattached. Lots of tequila for the scared little girl. Throw boy away, like all the rest. A metal heart is not capable of love. Boy stays. Complete disbelief. Despite HIS past, the boy stays.

Enroll back in school. Decide to double major. Travel the world. Visit all of Mother's old sites. Go to school in Germany.Searching. Searching for something missing. Do anything seemingly exhilarating. Jump off a cliff. Go skydiving. Shout from Austrian hilltop. Hike on a glacier. Nothing. Zipline down mountain. Rent mo-ped and ride up Swiss Alps, nothing. Land self in Swiss hospital, with Swiss police. Concussion. Alone. Write to boy, hesitantly. Buy a lot of crap. Get drunk.

Come home. Everything changes. Family in shambles. Father with new girlfriend. Brother shipped off to west coast for bad behavior. Sell family dog. Rid of Mothers belongings. Put house up for sale.Try to make sense of things. Complete breakdown. Numb. Scared.

Continue to push boy away. Get mad when boys commitment waivers after over a year of childish games. But still boy decides to stay.

Somehow day by day boy knocks iron clad wall down. Clouds begin to dissipate. Boy melts metal heart. Stop heavily drinking. Begin to accept reality. Visit Mothers grave. Pray. Let boy love. Allow self to love. Try to establish relationship with father again. Loose twenty pounds of fast food and beer. Visit west coast brother. Rid self of toxic friends. Regain old friendships, make new ones. Realize home is simply a state of mind. Gain control. Return to Life. Fearlessness. Empowerment. Gratitude. And lastly, happiness. Sweet, Divine, Blissful Happiness.

So make way world, this girl is here to stay.