Finding Fortitude

....So I imported my blog from myspace, and added the dates from which I wrote them to get me started :)

March 14, 2009

The past few months I have been so beside myself. I am surrounded by the best group of friends and family a girl could ever hope for. Real people. The most genuine of genuine. The kind of people that you know ten years from now you'll be having phone conversations with as we yell at our munchkins to shut the hell up while mom's on the phone, and thirty years from now well be sitting on a beach reminiscing about the 'old days' with our Patron margaritas in hand. There isn’t a bone in my body that doubts it.

How can I be so sure? People's true colors come out when the road gets rough. You know who your friends are by their willingness to stand up when the easy thing to do is to sit back, cower away in a corner and wait until the storm passes. And I won’t lie, I have been hurt in part by some of my friends eagerness to run away from me, their inability to keep in contact. Do I fault them for it? No. My life is intense, my life is really intense. What I live is incomprehensible for some and makes them look their own immortality and fears in the face which can be too much for some - the thought that this too will one day be their fate. I can see in their eyes that I scare the crap out of them. They aren’t ready. And that’s okay. Does it hurt that I cant talk about my life because you aren't strong enough or ready to sit through the conversation? Of course. I don’t want to sit through half of the conversations I have to have on a daily basis either. What defines ready anyway? I’m sure not. How could one be? Life doesn’t give you a prep class for these types of obstacles. My dad and I talked today about who should walk me down the isle of my wedding, since he wont be there. There is no way to prepare for this, it just happens and you make the decision to get up and keep existing.

But then, there are people in my life that have been such gifts. Such beacons of love and generosity in the purest of forms that I cant even allow myself to stay upset for more than a minute over being wronged by others, or what is happening in my life in general. I have experienced more love in the past few months to last me a lifetime. More than many get in a lifetime, I’m sure. I am eternally grateful. I halfway want to talk specifically about the people in my life that have truly been godsends and give them recognition for the amazing things they have done and how much they have meant to me and to my family. But you know who you are and you know what you have done and I don’t wish to make those not mentioned that will read this feel insignificant, because you are not. But thank you, thank you to all of you who have been there for me in any degree. None of it goes unnoticed.

I have participated in Relay for Life for many years and each year I become a little bit more humbled. The completely unexpected gifts from those whom I haven’t spoken to in years, from people whom I have wronged and still reach out can just baffle a person. In two weeks I’m sitting at $1500. That is phenomenal, especially since I have yet to put on any of my events and no one in my family has donated yet. This has been done so far sheerly through facebook. If you don’t believe in miracles, your crazy because I’m living one. The true altruism I have witnessed just leaves me in awe. I have people practically throwing themselves at me to help in any way possible. It has been so validating for me, and so validating for my father. When you can see your worth and the impact you leave on the world and others it gives you a great sense of value. It makes me strive to be better, to be stronger, to do more, to be bolder, to be more grateful, to love deeper. You never know what you are really capable of until you stand up and try. Don’t let the fear of failure hold you back. I did that for so many years. The only true way you can fail is by never getting up off your ass and trying. That took me a long time to figure out. I have always been a perfectionist. Which I have come to realize is a great weakness. To strive for perfection is to strive for the unattainable. Aim high, but aim reasonable. Its much more fulfilling.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say through my yet again endless ramblings (again on pain meds) is that I am so thankful. It is only when you know how truly short life can be that you begin to cherish it for all of the gifts it can bring, if you are willing to have the courage to see it that way. Blue skies are suddenly bluer, leaves are greener, flowers are sweeter, the sun is warmer, the birds always seem to be out and chirping, even the weeds in your front yard become pretty in their own way. Call me naïve if you wish, but I really beg to differ.

If you wish to join or donate to my Relay team you can do so here, please and thank you ;)
-----> http://main.acsevents.org/..goto/Kaitlin_LaGow