people are as happy as they make their minds up to be

January 23, 2008

I’ve spent almost the entirity of my weekend moping around feeling sorry for myself. I removed myself from almost all social aspects this weekend. I was being selfish. Two of my best friends each happened to have their parents in town this weekend. We were all supposed to go to dinner and go out for drinks afterward. At first I was so excited about seeing them all. I love family, I love other peoples family. I think you learn so much about a person when you see where they came from and how they interact with those that know them best. Anyway somehow prior to either of their arrivals I siked myself out somewhere right before dinner time friday night. I barely made it through one of the dinners. I bailed out on everyone. I even bailed out on my boyfriend. I went to bed solo and hosted a pity party. Attendees, just one...me. Reason? I cant help but feel sad when Im around my girlfriends and their parents, especially their mothers. They have what I never will be able to, no amount of money or hardwork will ever bring me to the finish line of this race. They have something I was robbed of, something I never got to experience. Something I never will have the chance to. Unfortunately there are no substitutes for this sort of thing. There is no runner up. It is the unattainable....for me. And the most difficult part is watching how blind they are and the inability to see how precious it is. I get so tired of coming home from loooong days at school and work and hearing my girls gripe about stupid boy problems or how their mom or dads wont stop calling, emailing, texting them. Sometimes I want to shake them and say "Do you know how lucky you are that these are your biggest problems?!?!" It is more difficult to see first hand interactions, hear conversations, hear plans about birthday parties and graduation parties and weddings, put my envy aside and be happy for them and accept that these - are not apart of my future.

I watch my bosses 26 year old son walk all over her and act as if he is nineteen years old. He’ll come in and take money or food from the spa and not stop to say hello, or thank you. - You should always say Hello, always say Thank You, always say I Love You and never leave without saying Goodbye. Please. These few words mean so much. - I get angry when I see random people on the street arguing at each other. I get angry when I see people getting taken advantage of. I get angry when mothers and daughters come into the spa for facials or mani/pedis and the daughters EXPECT these things beacuse they are not taught by their mothers that this is not reality. And then I have to ask these snotty eight year olds if they would like sugar in their hot tea.

But then, I remember I would have been all of these people, I would have done all of these things if my life had been a bit different too. I probably sat there barely hitting puberty expecting for my nails to get painted. I probably wouldve taken a 20 dollar bill without saying anything and later used the excuse of "it was for groceries" knowing I had just been to a bar. I probably would have bitched when I got good advice I didnt want to hear. I probably would have expected presents at Christmas. I probably would have expected a Graduation party. I probably would have moaned every time I was asked for a return phone call, bc my life probably would have been SOOO busy that it was just too much of a hassle. I probably would have been ungrateful. And then I realize, this is exactly why I should be so grateful. Because today, I am none of these things - and I would have been. I was given this gift at a young age. And in the end it will help me be a better friend, a better sister, aunt, niece, cousin, girlfriend, wife, mother, grandmother.

So, it is now 5:30 in the morning and I have yet been able to sleep - like most nights. What is different about this night? Tonight while laying here looking straight into nothingness I realize I can not judge these people whom I know nothing about, I can not judge my friends and I can not continue to feel sorry for myself. Simply because, well these peoples lives are not my own. I can not expect you to have learned from my life lessons. Thats ridiculous. Frustrating? Hell yes. But tonight I realized where to point my frustrations at, myself. I am angry because I was the girl who grew up with this false sense of reality that has now hit me in the face like a ton of bricks and Im now left to find truth out on my own. I am angry because these people all have what I WISH I had. I want for them what I WISH I had done, because I am now riddled with regret that I fear I will never free myself from. And I want to make sure they too never stay up nights playing the "what-if" game. But it is not my place. None of it is. My place is to accept my past and present for what they are, and make the ABSOLUTE BEST of my future. I have no other choice. It is my place to recognize things could have been so much worse, and things could still get worse. So, enjoy today for what it is. Take the moments you get and hold them really close, you have no idea what your future holds. So tonight, I CHOOSE to be happy, because some nights you just have to make it a decision.