delivered from the heart

Ive had a lot of people ask me wheres the friggin video of the speech? Where can I see what you did? Its almost funny how now a days its expected that you have some form of internet communication. What a small world we have become. Truth is battery on my camera died on night one of my florida trip and while I brought my charger, I failed to bring the european outlet converter (I bought it in Switerland). And Ill be honest, I wasnt that upset I had forgotten it. I was scared. The whole thing freaked me out. What if I sucked and then I would have this video everyone wanted to see. I couldve easily gone to the store to get a new converter, but I was in no hurry. Well, now I wish I had damnit. Was it perfect? Not by a long shot. But it was honest, it was heartfelt, it was undoubtedly real.

I was proud of myself. That was hard to do. I anticipated its difficulty but it proved to be more difficult than I originally thought. Putting everything that is close to your heart out there for people to either love or hate. Afterward my cousin Kenn said he had never seen anything like that before. He said there were those standing next to him wiping tears from their faces, people whom I'd never met and how rare it be able to affect people like that. He said it was almost magical.

The part I really had not thought about was what I would do after. I am typically a pretty private person. I have a few that I am an open book with, but these people are few and far betweeen. Afterward recieving hugs from people with red eyes whom Id never met, who obviously felt close to me since I had just shared my life story was ...odd for me. Akward even. But it was for a good cause and if I inspired even one person to get involved and raise money for the ACS, then my job was done. That was why I did it. That was the only reason I did it infact.

So per request here is what I said:

When I was first asked to speak here tonight, I immediately jumped at the chance. I then put off writing what I would say until earlier this week. I knew that if I was going to say something that could mean anything to any of you, if I wanted to hit your hearts, I was going to have to hit the core of my own first. I wasn’t sure I was ready to open pandoras box to reconnect with all my hopes and fears. I knew delivering this would be a rocky and honest road for me.

My mother was diagnosed with stage four sarcoma cancer just after my eighteenth birthday. She knew from its onset that her prognosis was bleak. She fought through several surgeries, chemo treatments, and radiation. Procedures no one here is foreign to. After a courageous year and a half battle her body had finally succumb to the faceless monster that is cancer. There is not a day that has passed that I don’t miss her. It will be three years this August and for any of you that have lost someone close to you know that wounds like this never heal, the whole in your heart never seems to get any smaller, it just gets - different. You learn to make your pain part of your everyday and your loss becomes apart of you.

I owe everything I am to my mother. She had a heart of gold. She seemed to touch every life she came in contact with. She was just an all around good person, a good mother. She knew that fine innate line of when to hold a childs hand and when to let go and allow them to fall. I can remember hundreds of lessons that she forced me to learn the hard way. Undoubtedly the biggest lesson she taught me was in her final days when she taught me courage. She never forgot to greet each day with a smile, something so rare in this day and age. I cant begin to imagine what it could feel like to know you’ll never watch your children grow up, attend their weddings, or meet your grandchildren. To know you wont be apart of their futures and still have the strength and courage to smile. She uplifts and inspires me daily. I will consider myself lucky if I can become half of the woman she was.

After my mother passed I found myself completely lost and directionless. I was so grief stricken. I found it difficult to accomplish almost anything productive. I found myself taking full advantage of ‘college life’ and all it had to offer. I ended most nights somewhere at the bottom of a tequila bottle, feeling utterly sorry for myself. This carried on for the better part of two years.

Until I got the second phone call I always knew that I never wanted. This past August on the two year anniversary of my mothers passing, my father was also diagnosed with stage four sarcoma cancer, a one in one hundred million probability of both of them being diagnosed with such a rare & aggressive cancer. I almost fainted when I heard the doctor utter those shattering words. I felt like my life force had been sucked out of me, again. In that instant I made the decision to transfer universities and move back home to be a foot solider in his care. I am now his primary care giver. And In this process, a funny thing happened. He saved me. He saved me in every way a person can be saved. He simply brought me back to life.

Every obstacle I thought life once held for me, I realized were all walls I built for myself. I existed in my own prison doing a sentence only I had cast upon myself. He in his own right made me see that. He has that rare zest for living. An eternal quest to never give in, never give up no matter how hard life has tried to knock you down. He has such a positive attitude on life and a natural wisdom about him. I am so thankful to be in his presence and determined to soak up every second.

He refers to all of his radiation treatments as suntans, and how hes just trying to get ready for summer. He calls his chemo room Peters Party Palace and tells the nurses that hes come to get his ‘gin and tonic cocktail’. He always jokes that 50 cent and lil kim will be showing up any minute, as he shamelessly flirts with the nurses a third his age. He never fails to inform all the hospital attendants there has obviously been a mix up in the kitchen because he checked the box for the lobster dinner and champagne and this meatloaf extravaganza in front of him was not what he requested. He is my hero.

In the wake of losing my mother, I was given my father. That was her final gift to me. I feel so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. They have all been such gifts. Such beacons of love and generosity in the purest of forms that I cant even begin to allow myself to stay upset for more than a minute over life’s twisted web. I have experienced more love to last me a lifetime. More than many get in a lifetime, I’m sure. And I am so eternally grateful for it.

There is something that is so soul shattering about watching those you care most for suffer and then feeling utterly helpless. The most debilitating thing about cancer is that your life becomes so up in the air, your world always seems to be sitting on the next Ct scan. Relay has given me the unique opportunity to pull the reigns back in, to take control, to fight back. The completely unexpected gifts from those reaching out can baffle a person. The true altruism I have witnessed still leaves me in complete awe. It makes me strive to be better, to be stronger, to do more, to be bolder, to be more grateful, to love deeper. You never know what you are really capable of until you stand up and try. To never allow the fear of failure to hold you back. It took me a long time to that figure out. And I have my parents and Relay to thank for it. Cancer can consume your life if you allow it to, I commend all of you for making the decision not to allow it to by being here tonight.

Cancer never discriminates. She knows no race, no creed, no color, nor income bracket. She affects us all alike. As I sit in the many waiting rooms I try to make conversation with the many diverse faces I see day in and day out . I have found more passion for life in the eyes of these people than I have ever found elsewhere, and I see it everywhere here tonight. People that feel blessed to wake up for one more day. They all get that ‘it’ about life. What makes a life significant and worth carrying on for. When you know what struggle looks like through having to stare down your deepest fears, you know what triumph can feel like. Hope finds new meaning when the weight of your world and all of your everythings rest on a single test. To have every fiber of your consciousness wait on one result. Hope and optimism are undoubtedly where the struggle is. When you have experienced this and still make the choice to stand here today and fight, to have faith in life, to find the fortitude to wake up and greet your day unabashed and unafraid despite whatever it may bring. To me, this is nothing short of a miracle. Thank you.

as per the urban dictionary..

Alpha Female: An Alpha Female is a dominant female in a group. She dates as many males as she wants, is strong and confident, and a hard worker as well as often busy. She is usually sarcastic because she's powerful and playful. Alpha Females are intelligent, intellectual problem solvers; and though being an alpha female is more of a state of mind than a physicality, an alpha understands that dressing up or sexy increases her power in society, so she does it. Alpha Females are often terribly misunderstood by Beta and lesser males, and when this happens, she's called a bitch. Alpha Females prefer passion over romance, although if it's romance coming from an Alpha Male, a hootttttt one, that's another story...

John liked Kate. Kate liked John. At the party, John asked Kate to sit on his lap, she smiled and sat next to him instead because she wanted to be equal and not objectified. John realized she was an alpha female.

I simply love this. Perhaps a bit self indulgent? Certainly. But as a self proclaimed alpha, that is my way.