It could take my whole life to make this right.

Ive been running at 100mph for quite some time now and I think my little gas tank is starting to tucker out. I need to refuel.

I have twenty things on my mind, all the time. I worry about those people that I love, all the time. I cant stand the thought of something happening to them, I couldn't bare it. The thought of something happening to one of my brothers could bring me to tears at any point of the day and in all honesty it frequently does. I think I baby my little brother too much, but hes the only link to sanity that Ive got most days. Hes my little bear. I'm sure he hates me calling him that. I don't know who I am anymore with out him, I feel like hes my son. And I'm okay with that. I'm really okay with that.

He had court the other day, I wont get into details - that's his business. I knew it was going to get continued, but the whole time I was fighting back tears with the thought of what might happen. The possibility petrifies me. I love that kid with everything I am. I have a huge family but from my immediate family hes all I have left. I wonder often if he has any clue how much I need him, because I do. I need him. Every piece of my soul needs him.

Most days I just pray for more strength. To figure out a way to get through the day. I literally only take one day at a time. It is entirely too overwhelming if I have to think about everything I must eventually get done or everything I must endure in my future. Some days I just wish my life could be normal. That I could live carefree like every other 23 year old. I look at my friends and sometimes envy their innocence. How simple their lives are. There is nothing more to it than that single moment they are living in. And then I wake up and remind myself that while they are carefree and innocent I am better prepared for life and will be better off in the long run, and then I really try to make myself believe that crap.

Im experiencing some of the most amazing things, huge mile stones and I wish they were here to share these moments with me. And then I remember that the reason I am able to do many of these things is because they arent here. Hello, guilt. This is so bittersweet.

I found a piece of paper in my purse today. It was the contact information for a Duke nurse. And immediately I could see her face, and I could see her writing it down and I could see my Dad handing her the pen to write it and I could remember him joking with her and I could see him smile and I could see the light come through the few thin hairs on the top of his bald head and I could remember how pain sakingly tired I was and how we were waiting for the doctor to come back and how my Dad had just broken down moments before crying to me about how tragic this all was, telling me how proud he was of me and then she walked in and how badly, how desperately I wanted that moment back. All from touching a piece of paper. And then I started crying right there on the spot at my desk at work.

This is too hard to do right now. I have a hole in my heart that I know will never go away or get any smaller and Im just not ready to admit that to myself yet.