Set fire to the third bar.

I am quickly finding that when you carry yourself in such a way that aims to demonstrate you alone can walk through fire and come out seemingly unaffected, you've enabled those around you to forget you've just walked through the heart of the flames. I find myself spinning in downward circles, extinguishing it in the shadows.

Its the holiday season and I normally love this time of year. I cant find one thing Id like to smile about this season. I don't mean to be glum. I hate being 'down' if you will. But I cant help it god damn it. I find myself numb, staring into nothingness - again. A place a promised myself I would never revisit. Even I apparently am not invincible, although I often like to think so. Again, the reasons for my personal fire fighting company. I should have an entire unit complete with red engine trucks and one of those poles they slide down. Some days I wish I had an entire army. At least sometimes it feels like it could take that much to make life make sense again.

Has it really been six months since you've gone? It cant be. Is it really December? How did I miss summer? and fall? In my head I'm still living in 2008. That much time couldn't have gone by since this awful chapter began. I feel like I woke up from some awful nightmare only Ive lost a year. And I'm living somewhere else. And I have all new people in my life. And when I wake up it will all be back the way it was. Somewhere inside I know this is all crap and completely delusional.

I just had a personal Revelation while writing this. I always rationalize my not speaking about anything that happened to me because others cant take it, but as I'm sitting here alone with nothing but myself and the keys on the computer I am finding - it is me who can not bare the thought of it all.

I haven't eaten since lunch, yesterday. This is unusual as of late. Well, I go through stages. I want to eat everything in sight. I can not get enough and this happens for a few weeks. And then its like a switch goes off. And Ill look at the clock and realize its time for bed and think back realize I haven't eaten anything in two days. Its like I loose time. It just passes over me.

I just started searching flights to Italy. I need to get away.