I'll be your stepping stone, your not alone.

August 7, 2008

Mother nature sure hasn't been stingy with her share of curve balls thrown right down my family's plate. I am still not sure how to process all that is about to happen to me.

My Dad's hip has been really bothering him the past few months. We automatically attributed it to gout. He has been frequently getting attacks in his ankles. Since my mom has passed he has been getting attacks much more frequently. There's no one to harass him about eating correctly anymore :) Anyway we assumed he just had a really bad attack. So he had a few X-rays and CT Scans done and they came back well.... somewhat questionable. He called me last Monday and told me he was going in for a biopsy on Wednesday morning. Without hesitation, I rearranged my work schedule and drove to Raleigh. I know from past experience he has a tendency to sugar coat the truth and Im a straight forward kinda girl. I prefer it straight up, between the eyes. I've learned I can only recieve that type of info straight from the doctor.

So, back to Duke it was. I hadn't been back since almost exactly two years ago when we had to "sign papers". This Saturday, August 9th, is two years. (God, what were you thinking?) We walked into the Oncology ward and my heart sunk. I knew every corner, every list to put our names on, even the nurses. Almost comically I even recognized certain magazines, obviously they update their selection frequently. We didn't sit long. It is almost tragic that we know exact times to make appointments for different procedures so you wait the least amount of time.

.... To the examination room...

My heart sinks a bit further when in walks Dr. Brigman, still adorned with his ever-perfect bow tie and long white coat. I know what it means to meet Dr. Brigman and unfourtunely so does my Dad. He was one of my mother's doctors. He specializes in Sarcoma, the type of cancer my mother had. This is the most rare and also the most aggressive form of cancer. It first develops in the soft tissue near a joint and eventually metastasizes, taking over. It is incurable, they can only keep your tumors from getting larger, they cant get rid of them. Which means you have to treat your sites until you pass, because the tumors never go away - they are "controlled". Statistically 97% of patients pass away within 2-5 years of their first diagnosis. My mother fought tirelessly through almost two years. I caught watery eyes with my father. All you can do is keep breathing. He was petrified, as was I.

They performed the biopsy and then we spoke to Dr. Brigman for a bit. He remembered my mom. For some reason the whole staff there seems to remember her. She had a way of leaving an impact on everyone she met. She was an eternal optimist, despite everything she was faced with she never forgot to fight everyday with a smile.

Our results from the first biopsy came back inconclusive. He goes into surgery Friday morning and hopefully will be released saturday sometime - "the 9th". I pray with every ounce in my body this isn't sarcoma. I simply don't know what we will do.

God, you must be trying to make me strong for something later in life. But, Im not sure I can take another swing just yet.