Redefining Normal.

Wow. How quickly life changes. Is it really July? Tomorrow is my birthday. I keep forgetting that it is. I keep making plans for meetings and creating a to-do list for Monday. My friends keep reminding me its ok to slow down a bit. I'm just so scatter-brained now. I never sleep, I'm a freaking insomniac. Seriously. What to do now? What to do after that? In all honesty I think I'm just keeping busy to keep from thinking about what just happened in my life. I was orphaned at twenty-two. It hurts just to type that out.

What do I do now? I moved home and made my entire life taking care of him. Every waking second since December has been about catering to his needs. What do I do with my days now? What is normal now? I have no idea. Ive spent the majority of the past five years of my life on the 9300 wing at Duke hospital. I know almost all the Oncology nurses and they know me, by name. I find myself wanting to drive to Duke and just walk around. That's where home is to me. Like somehow the wing that crushed my life could offer me some answers, give me peace. I want to get lunch in the cafeteria, walk around in the courtyard on my cell phone relaying news, sit in a waiting room, sneeze into a face mask, sift through CT scan images. There were so many sleepless nights, straining in my uncomfortable chair pretending I didn't have a crick in my neck and arm just to not have to let go of his hand while he slept and constantly looking up to make sure he was still breathing, the way a mother does to an infant. Many 4am trips to get coffee in an effort to be able to perhaps think when the doctor strolled in with news around 6am so that I could make sound decisions. That is my normal. I desperately want it back.

I don't talk about what I went through, to anyone. I don't even know how I made it out alive. I don't know how I am standing here now the way I am. How the weight of the world hasn't crushed me yet. I don't talk about it mostly because no one understands. Its incomprehensible for people. Its too raw, too heart breaking. I cant get to the root of the issues. I bring grown men to tears. Id spoon feed my father, empty his catheter bag and meet friends at the bar for drinks throw on a smile and never say a word. I tried to create an illusion that I lived like a normal twenty two year old too. I have difficulty relating to many of my friends now. Life experience bumped me up a few age brackets. I find I have more to talk about with my friends parents now.

I have found such great peace through this whole experience though. I have no regrets. I would do it all again exactly the same way. I miss my parents terribly, I always will. I want more than anything to crawl into my Daddy's lap have him kiss my forehead and tell me it will all be okay. I am just happy he is not in pain anymore. It was more heart wrenching taking care of him and watching him struggle. I find huge comfort in knowing my parents are together again.

No more for now. It is too heart wrenching for me too.